Confused about my marriage

**js47** · 12-17-11, 04:25 PM

Hello, I am new to this site and I've been reading some threads and I have liked what I read. I need some sincere answers from you all and advice.

First of all I have been married for 2 1/2 years now. My husband has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I just gave birth to my first daughter. My relationship with my 11 year old step daughter is good. Her mother on the other hand, can't stand me. She is still hurt that my husband is married and has a family with me. She brainwashes her daughter bad things about me. When my step daughter is here with us on the week-end we have fun. Once she goes back home to her mother and comes back another day, she starts crying to her dad on how she NEVER spends quality time with him alone. She starts going on and on that I am always there when we all go out. I told her that we are a family and we should ALL go out as a family. She doesn't want that. She wants her dad and her ONLY to go out. I honestly don't find this fair. My husband and her used to do this before my husband met me, but now he is a married man with a wife and a new daughter and yet my husband agrees with his first daughter. He says it will not become a routine, but I really don't think it's fair. We never go out anyway when his daughter is here or when we are alone, so all of a sudden he is going to start taking out his first daughter more and me and our daughter will stay at home, I think he is just thinking about his first daughter's feelings and not taking mine into consideration. He is going to start giving her special treatment and I don't think that's fair. He now has a family with me and we all are a family now.

What do you all think about this? I am seriously thinking on divorcing my husband.

**rngr2713** · 12-17-11, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by js47

I think he is just thinking about his first daughter's feelings and not taking mine into consideration. He is going to start giving her special treatment and I don't think that's fair.

First of all, welcome to PTF. We're glad to have you.

Now, just so you know, I'm a very blunt person, but I have the best intentions when I say this; You need to take a step back and read what you just said. Your feelings should come second to a 11 year old child's, as an adult you should know that. The idea that a daughter wants to spend time with her dad alone shouldn't be looked at as negative; I really don't see what the problem is.

Now if your daughter was older and your husband excluded her from whatever he's doing with his daughter, then I'd understand why you're upset and I would agree with you that it's wrong. But for the time being, that definitely doesn't seem to be the case.

To me personally, it almost seems as if you were competing for attention with an 11 year old child.

Just think about it.

**js47** · 12-17-11, 06:41 PM

Hi and thank you for the welcome. I totally agree with you and I am not competing with an 11 year old 's feelings. The thing is that she doesn't feel that way. Everytime she is in our house she has fun with me, her dad and her sister. Her mother doesn't like the fact that she doesn't spend time alone with her father anymore, and she puts bad things in her head. Also, we are a family that hardly ever go out anywhere, we are always at home. Now my husband is going to start going out more with his daughter and me and his other daughter are going to stay home while they go out and have fun. I don't think that's fair at all. We should all go out together as the family that we are.

**JustmemyselfandI** · 12-17-11, 06:57 PM

It sounds to me like you have a jealous exwife that is trying to get in between you and your husband, by using the girl. This is cruel to the daughter and you really don't want to play into the hands of this exwife, by jumping immediately into this. I think the best course of action would be to let the father and daughter have their quality time together for a month or two and talk to the little girl. Tell her you don't want to replace her mother, but you would like some time with her, yourself.

Kids are not stupid. She will see through her mothers game soon enough and will begin dismissing her snipings. Take the little girl out and do some shopping with her, and start up a bond with her as well. The exwife is a liar and a troublemaker. She might just turn real nasty, if her daughter finds out what a manipulator her mom is and will push the daughter out of her life and into yours.

Bottom line. Don't give this b&$ch he used to be married to the satisfaction of ruining something you have. Remember that he divorced her for some reason, and I bet it was because she was a controlling b&$ch.

**lackluster** · 12-17-11, 07:05 PM

I may be somewhat of a bitch here, but I think rngr2713 nailed it here. It's not about you, it's about an 11 year old child.

**dogdog** · 12-17-11, 07:05 PM

I will be very blunt: Even if you were your stepdaughter's biological mother, it is healthy for father and daughter to have some exclusive time, especially at her age.

I can't speak to the girl's mother wanting the exclusive time between father and daughter. It sounds like you believe the ex wants to somehow exclude you. That's not right, but still, father daughter time is not unreasonable.

What would happen if you endorsed the idea and encouraged the relationship as well as the exclusive time? This sounds like a conflict requiring negotiation. The best way to start a negotiation is to give something. Then you will be in a better position to be heard when you share your own needs. Complaining about it isn't likely to help. Check this website, especially the part about The Seven Caring Habits vs. The Seven Deadly Habits: http://wglasser.com/index.php?option...d=12&Itemid=27

**JustmemyselfandI** · 12-17-11, 07:21 PM

Lady, diffuse the situation, don't facilitate the exwifes interference by removing yourself from this child's life.You have something to protect as well and that is your marriage, which includes this child. You play this right and you can turn the wxwifes hostility against her.

**js47** · 12-17-11, 07:36 PM

Originally Posted by JustmemyselfandI

It sounds to me like you have a jealous exwife that is trying to get in between you and your husband, by using the girl. This is cruel to the daughter and you really don't want to play into the hands of this exwife, by jumping immediately into this. I think the best course of action would be to let the father and daughter have their quality time together for a month or two and talk to the little girl. Tell her you don't want to replace her mother, but you would like some time with her, yourself.

Kids are not stupid. She will see through her mothers game soon enough and will begin dismissing her snipings. Take the little girl out and do some shopping with her, and start up a bond with her as well. The exwife is a liar and a troublemaker. She might just turn real nasty, if her daughter finds out what a manipulator her mom is and will push the daughter out of her life and into yours.

Bottom line. Don't give this b&$ch he used to be married to the satisfaction of ruining something you have. Remember that he divorced her for some reason, and I bet it was because she was a controlling b&$ch.

Hi, and thank you for really understanding me. She is not even an xwife, he just had a kid with her, they were just friends and she tricked my husband making him think that she was on the pill. She hates me because her daughter loves me and I love her daughter. We have a good relationship, but her mother always puts bad things on her head about me. I'm tired of this especially because my husband believes his daughter and doesn't understand that her mother is behind it all. My husband told me he will spend quality time with his daughter once in a while only and will not make it into a routine. I hope it's true, but I am upset that her mother has to ruin things for us. I hope you're right when you said that her daughter will see her mother's games and will finally see the real her, but I seriously doubt it. How can I turn the mother's hostility against her? And you're right she is a b%$ch and an overweight one too.

**js47** · 12-17-11, 07:42 PM

rngr2713, is right and so are you, but the thing is that the 11 year old child does not have those feelings at all. She gets really happy when we all go out as a family, it's all about when she goes home to her mother and her mother makes her see things differently that she should be spending time with her dad alone without me. I don't think that's fair.

**JustmemyselfandI** · 12-17-11, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by js47

. How can I turn the mother's hostility against her? And you're right she is a b%$ch and an overweight one too.

Lady, always remember that haters hate. That's what they do and some sre completely consumed with it. I have more female friends than men, and have come across similar circumstances. This is nothing more than a turf war. She thought that if she had a child with him, that he would automatically marry her. To her, he belongs to her, not you and that child is the wedge she is trying to use to separate you from your husband. That's disgusting in itself, so you know right away how important the kid is to her.

She's going to try to get under your skin, by using the kid and you don't need to assist her by reacting to her game. The longer she plays this game the more frustrated she'll become and the more hate filled she will become. This little girl will soon recognize that all this stuff is is hatred and she'll stop listen to her mom's rants. This is a form of Child abuse and may just end up with her kid, being taken from her.

Be polite to B&$ch and never talk bad about her to the kid. Talk to the kid as if she was your little sister and do things with her alone and withing the family. Don't get upset and don't call her fat. She isn't worth you getting upset over. That's exactly what she wants and if you give it to her, she will win and you will loose. She is a looser. You know that and so does she. That's why she hates you so much. Leave her wallowing in her own misery.