I know I don't really post here anymore but I don't really post anywheres anymore. I'm doing this because Brandon used to ask me about it a lot.

So, a rough draft of the first 2 and almost a half pages of the new and "improved" book.

I'm not even sure if I like it but I'm my biggest critic so there you go. I am willing to answer questions and stuff!


And about it being a pdf... I'm using Corel Wordperfect X3 or something and it's confusing cuz there's so many things to save it as. So I just saw PDF and went with that.
P.S. I'm computer stupid.

It's easier to read than your last prototype and without as many penises. It looks like it could be pretty good. Of course, no one can really know what the hell is going on just from those first pages, but I suppose we're not supposed to until a few more pages go by. Nothing about seemed off, as long as sooner or later it all makes sense. Unless it's supposed to make sense now. Yes, I know my previous sentence is a fragment, but...wait...is it?

\

It doesn't look right, but taking out unless would make it a sentence, and adding something like "though" or "of course" would make it sound like a full sentence.

I'm not gonna lie - I just glanced at your book, Ob. It looks nice n' short, so I'll probably read it later.

Quote:

It doesn't look right, but taking out unless would make it a sentence, and adding something like "though" or "of course" would make it sound like a full sentence.

It is, indeed, a fragment.

Thats a change, lol

obby, i just read it. Its awesome so, i asy so far because it cant be done yet can it???

The suspence is killing me, so man up and write it

First off, thanks y'all for taking the time to read it.
Brandon, there, you finally got it, lol. I plan on writing more often now but work makes me lose my motivation.

Well the thing is, nothing's really changed. I just haven't gone over and done what I did for the last one. Like, last time I had "people" commenting on the book so there was footnotes all over the place and this one will be more of the same. In fact, it's a bigger part of this book than it was the last one.

lol, And about the penises... well one, I had to get a new computer so I don't have that pic of a penis and didn't think about it until just now. I'M SORRY I DON'T THINK ABOUT PENISES BUTLER!
The penis was just supposed to be something to make people feel awkward. My idea was that, while people would prolly be shocked by it, only people like homophobes (or just people who are way too sensitive about THAT stuff) would really feel awkward about it.
Plus I wanted it to be a comment on your typical dickhead macho male.
There may be a penis, I don't know, lol. Keep in mind that the penis was drawn by one of the people commenting on the book.

And so there it is.

Edit: And I don't know if it'll "make sense." I'm drawing influence from surrealism like David Lynch movies so while yes, everything is in fact in there for a reason, I'm not making it easy to tell exactly what those reasons are.

What really sticks out to me about reading this fragment is the rawness of it. The dialogue is at once colloquial and refined, as though the Melissa character was very well-educated before it happened. What results is a believable narrative of a war-torn city.

I'm really intrigued by this first character. She seems to maintain a sense of innocence despite what is going on around her. I don't see her seeking solice beneath a bed as so much survival instinct to get away from the heat but moreso that the bedroom is a child's fortress of solitude, so to speak. That might be my own spin on the character so far, though.

This is really just me pulling at straws, but I like how you implemented a capital V. It stands out on the page. Like, smacks you in the face. V. You could just as easily have called it a triangle. I dunno if you were trying to homage V For Vendetta there, but I like to think you were.

I really like this. The whole thing, really. I don't think I'd change a fuckin word.

Well, that puts more perspective on it. I had no idea what was going on but that the city might be under some sort of attack.

Edit: And I think I remember seeing that V and thinking it stood out. Then I just kept on reading and forgot about it.

Amazing, very well written. I hope you write more of it

A lot of praise in this thread, lol. I didn't expect this much, I actually look at the stuff and think it's pretty shitty.

But thanks. And I'll try to post a few more pages soon.